Yet another night of getting pissed. 'Settled' and old score in quite a negative way. Jonathon, who I believe deserted me in a friendship five years afo at least, appeared out of the blue/black. I terminated the meeting for no particular reason other than I wasn't going in any way going to wait for him to do it. I say 'terminated,' that means me saying 'look I'm going to go' and then wandering somewhere else in the 5000 sq ft of the place and kind of hoping that when he next sees me I'll look suitably engaged. I wasn't. But I think he ws quite pissed. I don't want him to remember that I was. There's supposed to be a sexual under current about these sort of things. But although he well and truly did (and does) get under my skin, I really don't. In fact I feel guilty that I don't. He does the 'it's SO nice to see you' bit so well so efffusively, but it it isn't quite there, and in retrospect it was always a bit shallow. My biitterness comes because there was a time... I was going to say there was a time when I needed him. That isn't actually true. There was a time when I needed someone. And he didn't come, even though he knew that I did. I've done that to other people myself: vanished when I was most needed. Is it OK to resent someone for an omssion you have liberally committed yourself ? I think it is provided you don't wonder why the 'victims' of your neglect want little to do with you afterwards. It's taken a long time for me to become an adult and I realise now that this one of the defining aspects of adulthood: don't expect to be forgiven. And I certainly don't seem to be in any hurry to forgive him. What are you supposed to respond to 'It's SO nice to see you,' from anyone ? It wasn't nice, it was uncormfortable. If I was a better person, I could have found a 'nice' way to put that across. But I didn't. I didn't do any of that. I just said I was going.